I want to put something now, make something clear, i thought i had, but when i read back to my first Diary Post, i realise didn't ..and i should have done. When i met Ollie online and developed a Phone Relationship with him, for a brief time i thought i loved him, had fallen for him, i foolishly told Paul this before I really examined my feelings or compared them to how i felt for him. At the time all i knew was something was making me feel better, Ollie was given me the encouragement and beleif that i could get better and i guess i loved him for that. I soon realised it wasn't the same love i felt for Paul but unfortunately it wasn't untill after he found out about my relationship with Ollie by taping a conversation between us, When he heard it and told me I wouldn't be able to talk with him again, I panicked,and when asked, i told him yes, i loved Ollie and so i needed to still talk to him every day. I saw what this did to him, devastated him, killed something in him and for this I hated myself. I wasn't the type of girl to have any kind of "affair" I was a one man, one woman kind of person and to me Marriage was for life. But, I wasn't leading a normal life - far from it and I had hit rock bottom with my illness. I guess Ollie became a lifeline. I'm explaining this because Paul didn't start behaving cruelly towards me untill this happened, he had up untill that point been a very caring person, very loving, very supportive, just not able to be strong enough with me and with the OCD. He changed of course, became a different person, but i strongly believe and ALWAYS will that if he hadn't then gone on to meet someone else we would have got through this crisis in our Marriage together.
Of course there really aren't any excuses or rational reasons having said that why Paul went on to totally cut me out of his life for so long ignoring me when i tried over the years to reach out to him. He left me with so many unanswered questions. This made it nearly impossible for me to move on in my life, he had been able to, but i couldn't and  this was so hurtful, so painful and that pain will take a long time to go away. 

Who knows but, life can certainly be strange and unexpected that's for sure!!
more about that later......

Sometimes i get get caught up in life and don't post for a while, weird though because when this happens i always seem to get drawn back by someone posting a Comment or e.mail saying how pleased they are to have found it. This happened this week in my Guestbook. A message from a lovely lady and subsequent e.mails have reminded me how important it is to keep updating it
It helps me too, sometimes i read back through the Entries and see how far I've come...a long way.

My OCD is good at the moment, my Medication was reduced right down to 1 of each type per
day. (Fluoxetine - Prozac and Lofepramine) I can increase it if i want but for the last 5
or 6 months i haven't been taking any at all. Surprisingly this doesnt bother me right now.
Maybe it will though and i certainly won't feel a failure if i decide i need to take them again.
I'm almost certain i will need to at some stage.
I feel like I'm in charge of it at the moment, but i know things can change and i can feel
anxious again when something unexpected happens.

I've been talking to a couple of guys online, nothing heavy just friendly chatting, they both live
in the US..is this my safety blanket i wonder? lol  For so long i walked around with my head down and Blinkers on not even wanting any eye contact with Guys or to get their attention yet alone anything else, so is this another way to keep them at arms length i wonder?
I told them both about my OCD and they're not bothered about it, in fact one washes dishes over and over sometimes and the other double checks things which is funny. I guess it just proves how far OCD Awareness has come, back in 2000 it was fairly unheard of, especially in this Country. Now it almost seems "cool" to say you're "Obsessive Compulsive" The Media has played a huge part in that, things like the Movie - As Good as it Gets and various TV Programmes have done a lot to get it out there in society instead of the secret illness it was.

I got some Phone calls last week and messages from Paul.
To say i was shocked is an understatement.  He said a lot of time had passed and he would like to talk or meet. At first i wasn't sure what to do. I was tempted to ignore them...ive come a long way and it's been hard and painful. I have got used to him not being in my life, grieved for the loss of him even.
I didn't need him for anything, not a thing. So unless it was for my benefit why would i talk to him?
I thought maybe he wanted some urgency in signing Divorce Papers or maybe he just wanted to explain things to ease his conscience or guilt...and i didn't want to give him that opportunity.
I also didn't want him to think he could just waltz back into my life in whatever form and I'd be sitting here waiting for him, because i haven't been.
BUT..........
Something kept telling me if i didn't respond maybe i'd always regret not doing so, and life's too short for any more regrets. So, i answered him via e.mail and we've been talking in Messenger.
It actually doesn't feel that strange, or weird though if anyone had told me last week i'd be doing it i would have laughed hysterically and told them to visit the funny farm. lol

We seem to be able to talk easily, even joke which i feel a bit guilty for. He says he'd like us to be Friends at least, maybe more. We spent a big chunk of our lives together, too big of one to forget about or not be reminded of often and it's been really sad not to have anyone to talk about those times with or share memories with. You can tell other people but it's not the same, they never experienced it, we did.
We had an OCD-free past together as well as an OCD one, and we had fun together, even when the OCD was present we could often find something to laugh about.

I want to put something now, make something clear, i thought i had, but when i read back to my first Diary Post, i realise i hadn't ..and i should have done. but ill post it tomorrow when ive slept as its getting late here.

Bye for Now, Hugs Sani x
  

---

I thought it was time I updated my Diary and let you know how things are at the moment.
I can't believe it has been so long since I last posted! I guess days turn into weeks, weeks into months and before you know it a Year has passed!

I still live in the Cotswolds with my Westie, Wesley and Cat, Tilly. Ollie now lives in another part of the Country with his Girlfriend, about an hour and a half away. He actually lives nearer to my Mum than to me!
I see him regularly when he brings my Mum to stay with me , which is about every 3 weeks, and I talk to him on the Phone most days. He continues to be a very good and close friend, helping me in any way he can and is always there for me. I am thankful for his friendship, he is actually like an older Brother to me which is nice.

My OCD is about the same really and remains manageable to me. I still wash my hands regularly and avoid certain things and places but I try to keep my symptoms stable. Of course they get worse when I am stressed so I try to stay as stress free as possible, which isn't always easy. I still take Medication, sometimes at a lower dose and sometimes at a higher dose depending on what's going on in life. I'm pretty good with my fear of the floor now, thanks in part to Wesley and Tilly, they mostly live on the floor and I can't really avoid them like the Plague!! lol. I am able to do most things and go to most places that I need to but of course my OCD is always present in everything I do, I just try really hard to control it and keep the symptoms manageable.

I am reasonably happy, but I do feel lonely sometimes, Mums visits help with this but I do sometimes miss having a partner in life. I'm not averse to meeting someone new but the questions are - where and who?
I lost touch with Friends when I married Paul and it's hard to have a Social life and go out to the places you need to go to meet anyone when you're on your own. Plus who would I meet? Most nice, attractive guys of my age are already Married. Also I am very young for my age and find that most guys my age or older are too old for me, both in looks and in personality and outlook. Maybe I need to find someone younger than me? lol
My OCD prevents me from doing the usual things in life where the chances would be increased too
So, it is difficult to see how I am likely to meet someone. I don't really know anyone around here where I live either so it's a bit of a problem.

I have received a Petition for Divorce from Paul's Solicitor but apart from this I have never heard a single thing from him in all this time. I am at a loss for words to describe how disgusted and bewildered I am by this. All those years of knowing me and he treats me so terribly cruelly. Either the person I fell in love with has changed beyond recognition or... I never really knew the "real" Paul at all. I shall NEVER understand how he can totally abandon me like he has and show no regard for me whatsoever.

But, I am past caring, I hate what he has done to me but try not to give him any thought or recognition in my life. He often comes into my Dreams at night much to my dismay and annoyance but, there is nothing I can do about this so I have to live with it.

I continue to be Creative and still like to draw Graphics and I spend a lot of time on my Computer and enjoy working on my Web Sites  and taking Wesley out and about for walks.
So, that's me! hope you enjoy reading my update and I will try not to leave it so long next time

Hi :0),

It's a cold Saturday evening here. I stepped outside to feed my Goldfish out in the pond and then quickly came back in again, oh how I long for Spring! lol

Well, on Thursday I nneded to go to my Dr's to collect my repeat prescription. After putting Wesley in his car seat I noticed one of my front tyres was almost flat! I decided I would have to try and carefully drive to the nearest Garage to put air in it, well I managed that after figuring out how to use the Air Pump machine and trying not to actually touch the tyre - contaminated!. but unfortunaley I could hear the air hissing as it escaped back out again, it must be a puncture I thought, oh crikey what do I do now?

I decided to go to a Tyre shop in my nearest town, all the time worrying because I knew the air was just coming back out again as I was driving on it! Luckily a nice guy there fixed it for me at no charge, it was a faulty valve apparently!

I went and got my meds and that was that but it's such a worry to have these things happen when you're all alone, not only do I have the worries of the tyre etc but I also have the OCD worries that are always there with me so I have to think about extra things like can I take the car there? Is this or that place contaminated? It's mentally exhausting.

Bye4now, hugs Sani

 

It's Bonfire Night here,

Wesley hates the loud bangs and keeps wanting to sit up on my lap :0) Bless him!

It 's gone colder here today, brrr I don't like the Winter, much prefer the Spring and Summer!

I haven't seen or heard anything of my hubby (Paul). We had to sell the house, Paul refused to pay the Mortgage anymore so although I would have liked to have found a away of my keeping it on, there was no way, so it was sold.  He cleared the house of any furniture and put things in boxes that he thought I would want. I was going to go and collect them and say goodbye to the house but...I just couldn't. Ollie kindly said he would, so he hired  a van and went and got everything.

It has all have been in storage ever since and I haven't seen any of it, I'm scared of facing it, both for personal reasons and OCD ones, I have no idea what he has boxed up and there might be things I would see as contaminated and of course that frightens me! Then there are all the memories, I expect there are things like my Wedding Dress and Photo Albums

I really don't understand and I know I never will understand how a person who you spent every single day with and who you spoke to every day no matter what since you were 19 can turn their back on you the way he has me and just completely removed me from his life. It has to be one of the cruelist things anyone can do to another person.

It has left me with little or no confidence and very little self-esteem, if the person who I trusted so implicitly with my life even can let me down in such a way then I know anyone can.

My OCD is pretty much being kept in control but of course there are days when I struggle with it more than others, sometimes I fell I have no reason to try, I would have done anything to still be with Paul but I lost him and it left me really depressed for a while. The Christmas of 2002 was particularly bad. Not only had I lost Paul but my Dad passed away in the November of that year 2 days before my Birthday and it all hit me very hard. I spent the Christmas with my Mum, and would just burst into tears all the time, it was very difiicult for both of us. Then a little ray of sunshine entered my life in the New Year, my sister had said I needed a Dog to love and care for of my own, something that was just mine and reliant on me. Well, as soon as Christmas was over Ollie and me travelled to Wales and collected my little Wesley  He was so precious, just 6 weeks old and the cutest little soulie, he sat on my lap all the way home and was as good as gold! He is a West Highland Terrier - A Westie! and he's beautiful!

He was just what I needed and I thank God for him now.

He is 1 year old coming up to 2 on November 21st the day after mine :0) He is adorable, has the loveliest temperament and follows me everywhere, he even comes out with me in the Car! I have a Dog Booster seat in the passenger seat and he loves sitting there looking all around him out of the windows. I am so thankful I have him, this house would seem so quiet and isolated without him and I know I would be very lonely.

So you see I can't just give up and stay in bed allday and everyday even though sometimes I feel like I could because I have Wesley to look after and love, he keeps me going

bye4now, hugs Sani

It's been such a long time since I posted any entries in this Diary, not because I haven't wanted to and not because I don't care about it anymore, actually the opposite is true, I care about it so much that I've become almost frightened of it, hope that makes some sense?

My life has been weird really since I last had a really good chat with you, a lot of things have changed - some for the worse, some for the better. I still live in the Cotswolds but no longer share the house with my friend, if you remember I came to stay for about a week with a friend and it turned into years? Well, he has moved in with his girlfriend and now lives about an hours drive away. I live on my own with my gorgeous and adored Westie - Wesley. He means so much to me and has become a faithful companion. Of course I would also have liked a faithful husband but as you know I wasn't very fortunate with that one. He incidently is... as far as I know... still with his ......ummm what shall I call her, husband stealer? yes that will do! lol. I say as far as I know because I never hear from or see him he has COMPLETELY cut all ties with me. It's as if he has told himself and convinced himself that we never existed. This of course is very hard to deal with, but what can I do? I can't force him to be different so I try not to think about him. However he appears in my dreams almost nightly which is really frustrating and upsetting, it's like no matter how hard I try my mind won't let me get away from him!

I spend a lot of time working on my Web Sites both my OCD one and my Graphics one, also this Summer I have been doing a lot of Gardening!! and I actually enjoy it! Along with Wesley who does his best to help me by sticking his nose into everything I do! lol.

My OCD is about the same, maybe a tiny bit worse at times but I continue to try to control it, I will tell you more about this tomorrow, I need to go to bed now, but I felt the urge to write something here, somebody wrote me a lovely letter asking me to continue with my Diary and told me how they miss it, so if it helps even just one person, I know it is worthwhile me writing my thoughts down.

I will write some more tomorrow, nite all, Hugs Sani

Welcome to my Diary,
I started my "Quest for Freedom!" back in October, 2000 and kept a  monthly record of how things progressed. 

My Diary entries were monthly up until Feb, 2002, after this there were 2 months together until Nov 2002 and were written on the 21st of each Month. The first entry is October 21st, 2000 and the 21st of each month there after.

To read my Archive entries go to Older entries and click on the 21st of each month up untill  Nov 2002.

The following  2 years I took a break from my OCD Diary so there are no entries for 2003 or 2004 , but now in 2005 I feel the need to update again!

I will try to update monthly and see how it goes, I hope you'll join me :0)

Please join my Mailing List to be alerted of Updates!

 hugs Sani 

Dear Diary

 Happy Holidays everyone!

 It's a week to go untill Christmas Day! I am going to spend it with my Mum which should be nice. I haven't really been looking forward to Christmas to be honest because of the significance of it, the memory's of past one's, the depth of my feelings at this time of the year and of course the painfull memory of last Christmas! But I will try and make it as good as I can, if only for my mums sake, :0)

I hope I don't feel too down and am hoping the Doctor might give me something to help with my low feelings over the holiday, It does worry me as I know only too well how awful they can be, my stomach gets all knotted just thinking about it. I know it will be hard, I know it will be upsetting and strange, as I told you last year, Christmas has always been very special to me and Phil, so many of them spent together, and so many memories. We used to watch the weather forecasts leading up to the Big day hoping for a White Christmas, some years it did manage to snow around the time, ~ a bit before, or a bit after, but not on the actual day. This year ironically they think it may fall on the day itself!

 I have been playing with my early Christmas present ~ Paint shop pro 7, a graphic making programme and have been having fun making my own graphics and making a web site for them, take a peek if you like: English~Lavender~Cottage

 

I listened to a CD the other day and realised something that was nice, I had taken it on holiday with me and so instead of my any music I listen to bringing memories back of past times with "him" the tracks made me think of new memories with just me and my family, which was great because they made me smile rather than get upset!

I know this may sound awful but I can't bear to think of him spending Christmas with someone else and having fun, because that's fun he should be and could be having with me! I think anyone reading this who has been left in a relationship will probably understand, and I know it is supposed to get easier,..... but it isn't yet!

 Christmas can be very stressful for OCD sufferers, and so I hope if you reading this have OCD you can have as stress free a Christmas as possible!

I hope everyone has a lovely, happy Christmas, I am sending a special greeting to those on the Den's Mailing list, so when you recieve a mail from me with an attachment, don't worry it's ok! LOL.

 Ho Ho Ho! Loads of love and Christmas hugs to everyone, till next year! :0) ~Sani~ xx

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for not updating the Diary for a while, I have been meaning to let you all know how i got on with my ears and if i got them pierced again! but you know how you mean to do something but never get round to it?
well i'm pleased to tell you i did, i felt very pleased and proud of myself for doing it, especially as i hate needles!
It was one problem caused by the OCD that I wasn't going to allow to be a scar for life, so ive changed a negative thing back into a positive again.

I have had some awful news tonight, and have instinctively felt a need to come here and tell you, i guess this diary, site and club feel like a home to me. My Dad passed away tonight, i feel numb and don't really know what to do with myself, i know it hasn't sunk in yet.
He had been living in a home and had been ill for some time as ive told you before, having good days and bad days but recently a chest infection he had wasnt being cured with anti-biotics no matter how many different kinds he was prescribed, and he was deteriating. Yesterday when my Mum saw him she told me how poorly he looked and that she hated leaving him. When i got the phone call tonight i expected it to be my Mum telling me he had been admitted to hospital for a while, but it wasn't, it was my Brother telling me Dad had died this evening. I had been looking forward to seeing him at Christmas...

I love my parents more than anything on this planet and i dont know how to cope with this. I am thankful that in recent years i have been able to see so much more of him as earlier the OCD prevented this. When I have visited him, just lately, I've always looked back and stared at him for a while when saying goodbye because i've needed to take a photograph of him mentally, of him looking back at me waving to him, just in case this would be my last visual memory of him. Four weeks ago I did this as usual when leaving him and this time it was.

I have never lost anyone before, never had anything except much loved pets die, i dont know what to do, how to cope, what to say, i just hope that he knew how much i loved him, and how much i shall miss him, he called me Daisy when i was little...and he was Buttercup!

I had sort of prepared my mind for this day because he kept getting these terrible chest infections which took longer and longer to clear up, but you can't ever really get you head around what it means... why it's happened? and where he's gone now? I do try to have a belief and faith in God but this has been tested recently with everything that has happened in my Marriage, so although i am trying to hold on to it, it isn't easy, but i do hope that my dad's spirit will live on, he was a complex character, he could be as happy as anything one minuite, singing at the top of his voice, and quiet and depressed another, but his sense of humour and sense of fun is something I have inherited from him and i need to believe that that will carry on, that he lives on somewhere, somehow and in some form.

I will sign off now and maybe add some more tomorrow, but for now, i need to say goodnight to my Dad, goodnight Dad, I love you, behave yourself... *cry* xx

hugs and love Sani. xx

Dear Diary:

My OCD is doing fine, I'm still able to do everything I want to do and so it continues to be kept in control thank goodness. I shall be having some time away for a break and am hoping to get my ears pierced again. I had my ears pierced when I was eleven and enjoyed wearing earrings up untill an unforgetable "OCD moment" that scared the hell out of me and gave a clear insight into how strong and powerful this illness can be!

I had been wearing some earrings that weren't Gold or Silver and they started to make my ears itch. This itching eventually turned into a slight stinging, but, to me my ears and earrings were contaminated, I had wore them to my parents house one of the most contaminated places to me and for several days I was unable to touch my ears or change my earrings.

They eventually started to hurt but I never dreamt that what then happened could possibly happen! I convinced myself that I would be able to sort out my ears soon and once the offending earrings were removed they would be as good as new!! How wrong I was!

I felt something drop down from one of my ears and then a couple of moments later from the other one too, thinking my earrings must have fallen out I looked down and froze as I gazed at not just my earring posts but the earring backs still attatched to the posts and laying on my lap! My earrings had caused an infection that had effectively eaten through the flesh of my ears and split them!

The sight of these had made me feel physically sick and it was a horrendous wake up call to what I was letting this illness do to me and my body.

My ears have healed up now and you wouldn't know anything so awful had happened to them but I really miss wearing pretty earrings in them, so If I'm brave enough then I shall have them re-pierced this summer!

All for now, hope you reading this are as well as possible! love and hugs, Sani. xx

NEXT: *Diary Updated*
November 18th, 2002