Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for not updating the Diary for a while, I have been meaning to let you all know how i got on with my ears and if i got them pierced again! but you know how you mean to do something but never get round to it?
well i'm pleased to tell you i did, i felt very pleased and proud of myself for doing it, especially as i hate needles!
It was one problem caused by the OCD that I wasn't going to allow to be a scar for life, so ive changed a negative thing back into a positive again.

I have had some awful news tonight, and have instinctively felt a need to come here and tell you, i guess this diary, site and club feel like a home to me. My Dad passed away tonight, i feel numb and don't really know what to do with myself, i know it hasn't sunk in yet.
He had been living in a home and had been ill for some time as ive told you before, having good days and bad days but recently a chest infection he had wasnt being cured with anti-biotics no matter how many different kinds he was prescribed, and he was deteriating. Yesterday when my Mum saw him she told me how poorly he looked and that she hated leaving him. When i got the phone call tonight i expected it to be my Mum telling me he had been admitted to hospital for a while, but it wasn't, it was my Brother telling me Dad had died this evening. I had been looking forward to seeing him at Christmas...

I love my parents more than anything on this planet and i dont know how to cope with this. I am thankful that in recent years i have been able to see so much more of him as earlier the OCD prevented this. When I have visited him, just lately, I've always looked back and stared at him for a while when saying goodbye because i've needed to take a photograph of him mentally, of him looking back at me waving to him, just in case this would be my last visual memory of him. Four weeks ago I did this as usual when leaving him and this time it was.

I have never lost anyone before, never had anything except much loved pets die, i dont know what to do, how to cope, what to say, i just hope that he knew how much i loved him, and how much i shall miss him, he called me Daisy when i was little...and he was Buttercup!

I had sort of prepared my mind for this day because he kept getting these terrible chest infections which took longer and longer to clear up, but you can't ever really get you head around what it means... why it's happened? and where he's gone now? I do try to have a belief and faith in God but this has been tested recently with everything that has happened in my Marriage, so although i am trying to hold on to it, it isn't easy, but i do hope that my dad's spirit will live on, he was a complex character, he could be as happy as anything one minuite, singing at the top of his voice, and quiet and depressed another, but his sense of humour and sense of fun is something I have inherited from him and i need to believe that that will carry on, that he lives on somewhere, somehow and in some form.

I will sign off now and maybe add some more tomorrow, but for now, i need to say goodnight to my Dad, goodnight Dad, I love you, behave yourself... *cry* xx

hugs and love Sani. xx

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Friday, December 28th 2007 @ 1:47 AM

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