It's Bonfire Night here,

Wesley hates the loud bangs and keeps wanting to sit up on my lap :0) Bless him!

It 's gone colder here today, brrr I don't like the Winter, much prefer the Spring and Summer!

I haven't seen or heard anything of my hubby (Paul). We had to sell the house, Paul refused to pay the Mortgage anymore so although I would have liked to have found a away of my keeping it on, there was no way, so it was sold.  He cleared the house of any furniture and put things in boxes that he thought I would want. I was going to go and collect them and say goodbye to the house but...I just couldn't. Ollie kindly said he would, so he hired  a van and went and got everything.

It has all have been in storage ever since and I haven't seen any of it, I'm scared of facing it, both for personal reasons and OCD ones, I have no idea what he has boxed up and there might be things I would see as contaminated and of course that frightens me! Then there are all the memories, I expect there are things like my Wedding Dress and Photo Albums

I really don't understand and I know I never will understand how a person who you spent every single day with and who you spoke to every day no matter what since you were 19 can turn their back on you the way he has me and just completely removed me from his life. It has to be one of the cruelist things anyone can do to another person.

It has left me with little or no confidence and very little self-esteem, if the person who I trusted so implicitly with my life even can let me down in such a way then I know anyone can.

My OCD is pretty much being kept in control but of course there are days when I struggle with it more than others, sometimes I fell I have no reason to try, I would have done anything to still be with Paul but I lost him and it left me really depressed for a while. The Christmas of 2002 was particularly bad. Not only had I lost Paul but my Dad passed away in the November of that year 2 days before my Birthday and it all hit me very hard. I spent the Christmas with my Mum, and would just burst into tears all the time, it was very difiicult for both of us. Then a little ray of sunshine entered my life in the New Year, my sister had said I needed a Dog to love and care for of my own, something that was just mine and reliant on me. Well, as soon as Christmas was over Ollie and me travelled to Wales and collected my little Wesley  He was so precious, just 6 weeks old and the cutest little soulie, he sat on my lap all the way home and was as good as gold! He is a West Highland Terrier - A Westie! and he's beautiful!

He was just what I needed and I thank God for him now.

He is 1 year old coming up to 2 on November 21st the day after mine :0) He is adorable, has the loveliest temperament and follows me everywhere, he even comes out with me in the Car! I have a Dog Booster seat in the passenger seat and he loves sitting there looking all around him out of the windows. I am so thankful I have him, this house would seem so quiet and isolated without him and I know I would be very lonely.

So you see I can't just give up and stay in bed allday and everyday even though sometimes I feel like I could because I have Wesley to look after and love, he keeps me going

bye4now, hugs Sani

Sani, I find you so strong. You faced those pains and still are going ahead with life. I have been suffering from OCD for 22 years by now, since I was in grade 3 in my primary school. I am from Nepal. I know how you must be and must have felt with that humongous extra worry that other people would not have. And I like dogs so much too. If the picture shows your dog, then he is so adorable. I am happy too that you found him.

With my OCD, I feel that a spot or area somewhere or anywhere has a GOD or Goddess hovering in or on. Then I cannot relieve myself unless I bow at him or her or do all sorts of things like making face and stressing it so much that actually he or she is not there. Or else, I tell myself that God or Goddess is everywhere, even I am a part of him or her. This explanation to myself by myself worked effectively the first time. Later on, its efficiency has dwindled. For these 23 years, I have been keeping on changing ways to convince myself and succeeding in winning it for some days effectively. Fortunately, I did not need to face "normal world" pain like yours, being left by someone who you thought was ultimately yours. However, one girl whom I wanted to marry and grow old and die started to date others as she went abroad. She did not cheat me just once but thrice. My love for her dwindled. She said, she felt guilty as she cheated me coz she loved me but she could help her getting attracted to other good looking men in my absence. What she forgot was that I also got attracted to other hot girls around me in her absence but I stayed stead fast on staying only hers. Finally, I broke up with her. It does not give me pain but a feeling like I took revenge as she begged to stay as her man when I left.

I am doing masters now. You know, I have a feeling that if I did not have this OCD, I would have done much better than how I did in schools. OCD nowadays still is eating out a big part of me. I felt good to see you write about yours

Thank you Anil,
I truly appreciate your words of support and your kindness.
Congratulations on doing your masters that is a huge achievement! It is seldom thaere is enough space in our minds for much other than OCD worries so I think you should be very proud of yourself for this achievement.
I agree with you that OCD does hinder our potential in life, so many of my dreams and plans fall by the wayside because of OCD fears, but... I take one day at a time and that's all I can do.
I wish you every success Anil, and hope you stay strong and achieve your dreams! :)