Who knows but, life can certainly be strange and unexpected that's for sure!!
more about that later......

Sometimes i get get caught up in life and don't post for a while, weird though because when this happens i always seem to get drawn back by someone posting a Comment or e.mail saying how pleased they are to have found it. This happened this week in my Guestbook. A message from a lovely lady and subsequent e.mails have reminded me how important it is to keep updating it
It helps me too, sometimes i read back through the Entries and see how far I've come...a long way.

My OCD is good at the moment, my Medication was reduced right down to 1 of each type per
day. (Fluoxetine - Prozac and Lofepramine) I can increase it if i want but for the last 5
or 6 months i haven't been taking any at all. Surprisingly this doesnt bother me right now.
Maybe it will though and i certainly won't feel a failure if i decide i need to take them again.
I'm almost certain i will need to at some stage.
I feel like I'm in charge of it at the moment, but i know things can change and i can feel
anxious again when something unexpected happens.

I've been talking to a couple of guys online, nothing heavy just friendly chatting, they both live
in the US..is this my safety blanket i wonder? lol  For so long i walked around with my head down and Blinkers on not even wanting any eye contact with Guys or to get their attention yet alone anything else, so is this another way to keep them at arms length i wonder?
I told them both about my OCD and they're not bothered about it, in fact one washes dishes over and over sometimes and the other double checks things which is funny. I guess it just proves how far OCD Awareness has come, back in 2000 it was fairly unheard of, especially in this Country. Now it almost seems "cool" to say you're "Obsessive Compulsive" The Media has played a huge part in that, things like the Movie - As Good as it Gets and various TV Programmes have done a lot to get it out there in society instead of the secret illness it was.

I got some Phone calls last week and messages from Paul.
To say i was shocked is an understatement.  He said a lot of time had passed and he would like to talk or meet. At first i wasn't sure what to do. I was tempted to ignore them...ive come a long way and it's been hard and painful. I have got used to him not being in my life, grieved for the loss of him even.
I didn't need him for anything, not a thing. So unless it was for my benefit why would i talk to him?
I thought maybe he wanted some urgency in signing Divorce Papers or maybe he just wanted to explain things to ease his conscience or guilt...and i didn't want to give him that opportunity.
I also didn't want him to think he could just waltz back into my life in whatever form and I'd be sitting here waiting for him, because i haven't been.
BUT..........
Something kept telling me if i didn't respond maybe i'd always regret not doing so, and life's too short for any more regrets. So, i answered him via e.mail and we've been talking in Messenger.
It actually doesn't feel that strange, or weird though if anyone had told me last week i'd be doing it i would have laughed hysterically and told them to visit the funny farm. lol

We seem to be able to talk easily, even joke which i feel a bit guilty for. He says he'd like us to be Friends at least, maybe more. We spent a big chunk of our lives together, too big of one to forget about or not be reminded of often and it's been really sad not to have anyone to talk about those times with or share memories with. You can tell other people but it's not the same, they never experienced it, we did.
We had an OCD-free past together as well as an OCD one, and we had fun together, even when the OCD was present we could often find something to laugh about.

I want to put something now, make something clear, i thought i had, but when i read back to my first Diary Post, i realise i hadn't ..and i should have done. but ill post it tomorrow when ive slept as its getting late here.

Bye for Now, Hugs Sani x
  

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