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Thursday, November 8th 2007

1:53 AM

P.S

  • Mood: Ok
  • Music: Pussycat Dolls - Don'tcha
  • Weather: Cold
  • OCD Symptoms: Ok
I want to put something now, make something clear, i thought i had, but when i read back to my first Diary Post, i realise didn't ..and i should have done. When i met Ollie online and developed a Phone Relationship with him, for a brief time i thought i loved him, had fallen for him, i foolishly told Paul this before I really examined my feelings or compared them to how i felt for him. At the time all i knew was something was making me feel better, Ollie was given me the encouragement and beleif that i could get better and i guess i loved him for that. I soon realised it wasn't the same love i felt for Paul but unfortunately it wasn't untill after he found out about my relationship with Ollie by taping a conversation between us, When he heard it and told me I wouldn't be able to talk with him again, I panicked,and when asked, i told him yes, i loved Ollie and so i needed to still talk to him every day. I saw what this did to him, devastated him, killed something in him and for this I hated myself. I wasn't the type of girl to have any kind of "affair" I was a one man, one woman kind of person and to me Marriage was for life. But, I wasn't leading a normal life - far from it and I had hit rock bottom with my illness. I guess Ollie became a lifeline. I'm explaining this because Paul didn't start behaving cruelly towards me untill this happened, he had up untill that point been a very caring person, very loving, very supportive, just not able to be strong enough with me and with the OCD. He changed of course, became a different person, but i strongly believe and ALWAYS will that if he hadn't then gone on to meet someone else we would have got through this crisis in our Marriage together.
Of course there really aren't any excuses or rational reasons having said that why Paul went on to totally cut me out of his life for so long ignoring me when i tried over the years to reach out to him. He left me with so many unanswered questions. This made it nearly impossible for me to move on in my life, he had been able to, but i couldn't and  this was so hurtful, so painful and that pain will take a long time to go away. 
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